The Mysterious Back Door

Originally featured at The Aries Chick

The subject of Taboo rears its ugly head, again.

I love the taboo. Tell me something isn’t commonly accepted or appreciated and I will try it. (Well, let me clarify, as long as it doesn’t involve the passing of bodily fluids or me vomiting. Just to be clear.)

One such Taboo that I have mentioned before is Anal Pleasure. Now, in recent years, the subject of Anal Play has lost a little of its terrifying fervor as men and women have become more accustomed to its existence and its potential for satisfying titillation. I have experienced Anal Sex before, but that occurred with KC, a man who should have been chemically castrated before he ever laid a hand on a fifteen year old version of Yours Truly.

The negative stigma that Anal Play carried with it since my experiences as a young girl made it very difficult for me to consider it with following partners. At the same time, no one asked for it either. Even during porn, if the scene turned to Anal, no matter how turned on I was previous to that shift, I would lose all interest, instantly when the ass on screen was penetrated.

Then I met “My Future Husband” and we had a long, sexy, terrifying conversation about Anal Sex, and my whole world ground to a halt for a few days. He was unaware of my absolute terror, but he sensed my apprehension and assured me we never needed to have it if it wasn’t something I was comfortable with. Yet, after hearing him describe his utter love of bum sex, followed by the comment, “we never have to do that,” made me cringe. If he likes it so much, how could I deprive him or myself of an experience that could result in pleasure for us both. Though he never felt deprived and never attempted to coerce or cajole, I myself set my eyes on reclaiming the sexuality of my ass.

My first step was to buy lube. Just the act of that purchase opened my mind to experimentation.

Next I started exploring that region when I ‘abused myself’. First it was just a finger at the precipice of the ass, but after a few sessions of that sensation and feeling the unbelievable twinge of pleasure it caused me, I went further with it.

One finger.

Then two…

Then I had the most unbelievably intense orgasm I’ve ever experienced by myself and I realized, there might be something to this whole ‘ass’ thing. As a result, this formerly anti-Anal porn vixen is now literally addicted to the Anal category of Redtube.com.

Anyone who stands resolute against Anal Play should consider a few things;

1) the exterior and early interior regions of the anus have a huge grouping of nerve endings, much like the first two internal inches of the vaginal orifice.

2) Much like a finger just a couple inches inside the vagina can stimulate the G-spot, the same can be done through the back door.

3) The act of submitting to your partner in such a complete and trusting way is one of the most moving concepts I can think of.

The sensations I get from stimulation there is not why I so desperately want “My Future Husband” to tap my ass on a constant basis, it is because the patience, gentleness, and love that it takes for a man to romance his lady’s bum is one of the most true and complete expressions of love I can think of and could ever experience.

Roses on my birthday are great, but taking an hour to passionately, patiently, and selflessly prepare me for the entrance of an above average johnson into my back door is something entirely different.

Camel Shit

Originally featured at The Virgo Chick

On my dating website page this man decided to message me solely based on looks.  Flattered, however.. .this is just silly!!

This is what he wrote me-

Subject: Your Suhi

“Hello just wondern are u tryn to have a seriouse relationship and want to knw if i could b tha man for u u look like a rose sent from heaven and want to make u blossom with love everyday we cherish together and show wat real love is and making u smile and happy everyday if u give me a chance”

This was my response…

“Wow, you’re really jumpin right into it huh? I mean, it all sounds real sweet and whatnot, but I’m a realist about this kind of stuff.. of course its valid to have an opinion on someone’s looks, but you don’t even know my name… and that’s an awful lot to promise- love everyday?

what if I just said hells yea!! are you the type of guy that will manipulate that situation to your advantage? or is there merit and truth in your words?
ok… that was a mouthful… I don’t usually go on rants like that, but I was somehow inspired to do so.

By the way- I don’t know if you’re aware, or if it was a typo- but in the subject line you typed “your suhi”… and didn’t know what that meant so I looked it up… it has a couple definitions- in Egypt, it means camel shit… hahahahaa… ahem.
and another one said born in “abnormal position” sooo I’m thinkin it was a typo… hehe

ok, now that I probably scared you off … lol”

I discovered a few things about myself, and the world; I am an editor, and the word for camel shit.  Who woulda’ thought?

Anal Bum Cover

Originally featured at The Aries Chick

Now, I am not going to be doing a piece on Anal Sex this evening (that is another time entirely), but I am going to gush over the bum.

The male backside.

My man’s backside.

Sure, we’ve all heard girls talking about gawking at some hunk’s bum in our time, but I never understood it. What was the allure of the shape, size, movement, muscle tone, of what I knew to be a hairy disgusting part of the human body. I was once the sad victim of having to see a naked ex-boyfriend bend over while nude only to realize the guy had bum crumbs. Bum crumbs! Are you fucking serious?

Anyway, so needless to say, I was never a huge fan of the backside.

Then I met “My Future Husband.” Or more aptly, I met “My Future Husband’s” bum. (There is a picture of it on my computer somewhere. I’m going to go gawk at it in a moment, but for now, I will imagine….)

He has the most perfect, toned, juicy, gorgeous butt in the history of mankind. The curve of the cheeks, the divets in his lower back, the round perfect bottom that just makes me ache to squeeze it. At first, I didn’t take too much notice, I was too enamored with his perfect manhood to notice how perfect his bum was while I was grabbing onto it screaming “Don’t Stop.”

Then he dropped his towel one morning after a shower and stood at his bureau and I took my first good look. I’ve been planning its assault ever since.

Now, I have threatened a tickling finger during blow jobs before (not during my performance, but I threatened in conversation to see how he’d react. He used the word ‘erotic’ so I assume we’re a go) and I have given him long languid massages that involved my lips and tongue just inches away. His response was always positive. Still, I don’t think he realizes just how bad I want to give it to that tush.

I want to smack those cheeks, bite them, squeeze them, raspberry between them, and…get this…I think I want to toss that man’s salad.

Are you fucking kidding me, you ask?

I know, right?

The thought always disgusted the crap out of me (oh my pun addiction rears its ugly head), whenever Chris Rock mentioned it in his stand-up or it was mentioned on Oz, for that matter, I cringed and shivered. All I could think of was images of those bum crumbs from when I was a teenager going out with a man who couldn’t apparently wipe his own ass. Yet, “My Future Husband” inspires me so completely. I want to please every inch of him.

It’s the most unnerving urge I’ve ever had, sexually.

Hopefully it won’t be too unnerving when I’m performing the “Dirty Trombone” on my mancakes.

How Mr. Perfect Got His Name

Originall featured at The Sag Chick

Is it too much for me to ask that a man should read my mind? My biggest turn on… is water. I never told any man this, and hence I never experienced flowing water with sex. I get very shy about asking for what I want. I simply assume that if a man is right for me – he would just know what I want. This could be considered slightly irrational, but I did, after all, find Mr. Perfect…

The first night that we slept together we were at a gorgeous hotel while he was home on leave from the military. We had sex for the first time on the bed, basic, passionate, mind boggling sex, which I found to be great that our first time being intimate was very comfortable and beautiful (AND not to mention he is the best fuck I have ever had – and I am not just saying that because he is currently my boyfriend – Mr. Perfect is an animal in bed!). “Do you want to take a bath, baby?” was the first thing he said after cumming to a finish on my belly.

We got in the tub and he turned me around and began to wash my back. He covered every inch of me with lathery soap while kissing my neck the whole time. Then he washed my hair for me!!!! That has been something I fantasized about my whole life. Being pampered and cared for by a strong masculine man. There’s nothing sexier to me than the thought of a guy who isn’t really the “sensitive type” to gently wash my hair while massaging my head. This was a dream come true! As I said, he is a military man and he is very diligent with even the most basic of tasks. As he was completely focused on washing my hair my whole body melted against him in the tub. He rinsed my hair a little, but suggested we take a shower to get all the suds out of my long locks.

When we were in the shower, I returned the favor. Lathering his body with soap I paid very close attention to ever inch of his body. I started with his back, rubbing his shoulders and neck with suds, then his hips, bum, legs and feet. Then I turned him around and did the front of his legs, belly, chest, arms, each hand and in between his fingers, and then FINALLY his amazing manhood. I will admit, it was clean after a few seconds, but I wanted to have the second time we made love to be in the shower!

As he lifted me up and put himself inside me I knew I found a guy that could get the job done. He has proved to me every day how perfect he is for me. He and I have a lot in common in and out side of the bedroom. I found my mind reader. And that is why my man is called Mr. Perfect.

Romancing the Bone

Originally featured on The Aries Chick

 

The title of this post was written before I even decided what I would write about. Apparently, I am writing about pleasing the willy (in my mind I was contemplating a post on pleasing my guy’s bum, but that will wait apparently).

This may indeed be in response to The Sag Chick’s piece on A Good BJ, but who doesn’t want to wax poetic on the subject of boners, I mean really.

My methods of penile pleasing were inspired by instinct alone. The first man I was ever with (KC) received me in my full primal, experimental glory. I did what felt good to me and succeeded with gusto every time. He never gave me tips, never showed me any ‘methods’, he just lay back like a lazy schmuck and raved about how I was too skilled at it to be a virgin.

I was a virgin. I was just the kind of virgin who is hell bent on pleasing her partner and praying she does the right thing at the right time. After KC and I ended, no one received my true blow job methods until I met “My Future Husband”. He was the first man I’d been with where I felt comfortable being myself again. Though, I will be honest, I was still a little nervous of how graceful he would perceive me once I was spitting in my hand.

The process of a blow job with me is simple; start by doing what feels good TO YOU. Knowing that only 15% of women enjoy performing fellatio, I suppose that advice will fall flat on many women. So if you aren’t blessed with the divine goddess urges of cock pleasing, I’ll share my mannerisms when dealing with the ‘Nuts and Berries’.

First, if I touch him and he is hard, stroking will cause too much friction, so I lubricate.

Discreetly spitting in my hand to start and later onto the head of his erection. (Never openly spit, ladies. Unless your man likes that sort of thing, remain discreet about it.) This will slip up the works so I can stroke with abandon.

Second, I kiss every region of his goodies EXCEPT the shaft. Hands only… for a few minutes.

When I am ready to dive in, I open my mouth, let my open lips touch the shaft and slide up to the head. The Sargent will usually jump at this.

Then, when I do go for it, depending on my mood, I either tease a little into my mouth at a time OR….OR I impale my face as far down his cock as I can, with NO hand involvement.

Rules I like to stick with:

Never do the same thing for more than a minute or two. You can come back to it, but variety keeps him guessing. Suck for a minute, then stroke quickly over the head a few seconds before going back with your mouth.

Use your hands as an extension of your mouth (hence the spit), but sometimes completely remove hands from the equation. Put them behind your back, your head, grab your tits, whatever the case may be, and let the only sensation he feels be you sucking forcefully (yet gently girls, don’t hurt him…unless he wants you to?)

Tend to the berries, girls. Suck em, lip em, lick em, massage em. Take care of them. You should know your mans Balls better than he does, god damn it!

And GUYS! Tend to your berries as well. Keep them clean and thoroughly manscaped. (And Check Your Own Nuts weekly!)

Now, I may be the only girl out there who enjoys this idea, but I secretly want to tickle his bum during a good blow job as well. A wet finger on the outer rim while I am sucking him. Haven’t sprung that on “My Future Husband”, but the more comfortable I get, the more in danger he is of insanely passionate, all encompassing, mind blowing sex. Well, moreso than we have had thus far.

Now, given all these thoughts, be careful. If you are capable with an erection in your hands, you need to be responsible. I’ve had it go off before I intended because I was too zealous for my craft. Always keep a handle on your man’s level of arousal or you could end up with an eyeful and no weenie to ride afterward.

Take your time. Good sex isn’t a race.

Efforts Down South – Response to Aries Chick

Originally featured at The Sag Chick

Ok Aries Chick, after reading your recent post on oral sex, it sparked a thought or two…

First, I have to say before I get into the topic I am not very experienced in this area. I have had oral sex performed on me but with the exception of current BF, “Mr. Perfect”, I have ALWAYS stopped said “vagina-licker” within a minute or two of their efforts down south.

In one case it was because the guy had no idea what he was doing. None. Like, not a clue and in the rest of the cases, I was just too self conscious. I always worry that my period is coming soon, or that maybe I don’t taste as good as other girls! Maybe, Aries Chick, you could help me in this department.

I was rather surprised when I read about your distaste for tasting yourself! I don’t mind it at all! I don’t mind my own…you know… when kissing, though a dripping booger would be where I draw the line. And I will say this – if I go down on a guy and give him a mind blowing blow job and he turns his head from me when I reach for a kiss, it will be the last blow job he’ll ever get from this chick. I mean, I don’t want to suggest that I want to make him taste himself but there is nothing LESS appealing to me than a guy who gets bugged out by his own jiz-um.

In all fairness though, I never realized  how much this was an issue until I recently pleased my man.

I was on my lady-week so I decided to wake up Mr. Perfect with a blow-job. Seeing that we are still a fairly new couple, this was only the third or fourth time I’d done this. I finished the “job” and he laid there, catching his breath, eyes wide, jaw dropped. I took a sip of water and before I could even swallow (the water you filthy monkey!) he tackled me, knocking the water out of my hand and kissed me with more passion than Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman in the amazing film “Moulin Rouge”. It was such a turn on that he didn’t care! I mean, if I can have him in my mouth, what’s wrong him just kissing me after – I don’t see the big deal.

I can understand why you would not want him to be a slob about himself, though. That is some nasty business.

And while I am on the topic  – I think, at least for me, I have to be very emotionally connected to someone before I can allow them to go down on me. I have only had an orgasm ONE time from oral sex. Once. In my life. And I was in-love with him. Other than that, I get bored and sing Disney sing-a-longs in my head until finally I say “Ok, you can stop. Nice effort though.”

To Spank or Not to Spank

Originally featured on The Aries Chick

Oh, to spank. Indeed, to spank.

Perhaps it isn’t for everyone; having a strong, warm hand slamming into the soft flesh of your bare buttocks, perhaps paired with some naughty commentary or silent understanding, the spanking is a truly magical deed to share with your partner.

It may be intimidating to some; men may be afraid of hurting their lady and women may be afraid of getting hurt, but if done correctly and with mutual consent, a spanking is like the sugar to a Strawberry Daquiri.

I love lying alongside “My Future Husband” and feeling his hands carressing my body, my side, my backside, then after a moment of soft, gentle touches, a loud smack, and I’m riding him like Falkor (sorry for the hardcore geek reference, but if you get it, you get it).

There are moments when a well placed smack is appropriate and often required for my release:

1) During doggy-style or any position where my backside is exposed to my partner.

2) While cooking in the kitchen, standing in a department store, waiting at the dry cleaners; a soft, firm hand against a cheek is an immediate invitation for sexual congress by the end of the day.

In fact, bringing the bedroom into the real world is an exciting way to keep the fire alight. Giving your woman a surreptitious tap on the ass in public is a naughty and flirtatious way to remind her that you lust for her and find her sexual. Still, if she isn’t a spanking aficionado, a hand on the bum, a whisper in the ear, a longer than normal kiss can be an acceptable alternative.

Some women have a hair across their ass about being ‘degraded’ and want you to read their manifesto, but in the end, sex is for everyone and we all express it differently. I like for my partner to smack my bum and please it at the same time.

Rules about when not to spank:

1) If you aren’t a strong male, don’t spank your strong female.

(I had a miserable spanking experience with a guy who wanted me to literally treat him as though I was his mother in life. Him spanking me…nauseating.)

2) If she or you are not comfortable with it.

You wouldn’t ask her to juggle knives if it wasn’t her skill set, don’t ask her to take a wallop from you if she’s not into it. Don’t be that guy. That guy gets his balls squished by girls like me.

Sessions of Self-Molestation

Originally featured on The Sag Chick

 

Masturbating is so much fun. There is nothing like laying down and beginning a session of self molestation. I started from a very young age. I was younger than two when I realized that my car seat felt good against my crotch when grinding against it. My parents tried to keep me from doing this, but with little success did they get in my way. I would rub myself against the railing on the stairs, the legs of a chair, my own arm, and I did it all  the time. I loved it.

When I was 10 I stopped compulsively grinding myself against inanimate objects, but with in a year I found out what masturbating actually was and I was back at it again.

Almost all my life when I get stressed out I just reach my hand down and make myself feel better. But I have never been really big on insertion. (At least, my putting things inside my own vagina – never appealed to me.) I tried it once or twice, but it just didn’t do anything for me. In stead I just press my crotch against my arm until I cum. And I always cum very fast and hard when I am in control of my own orgasm, somehow men aren’t as efficient when bringing me to climax.

While watching a porn movie not long ago I saw a girl masturbating and she was doing it how I do it! With one arm in front of her, the other behind her and clasping her hands under her butt, then grinding her forearm, with the arm in front of her, against her clitoris. I could not believe there was a girl out there pleasing herself the way I had been for years! Did she have the same model car seat as I did, I wonder?

Dude, seriously?

Originally featured at The Aries Chick

First I pose a question to the ladies; do you enjoy receiving oral sex?

In most cases, yes. Especially when the guy has patience and a willingness to listen and experiment. Yet, all of those wonderful tendencies fly right out the window when he comes up after a few minutes blowing power snots.

Am I the only one who experienced this. Guys, there is no reason for you to have a runny nose after you perform oral. Ladies usually don’t want you pressing your nose into their business. In fact, with me, if your nose is touching anything moist, you’re way too low to get me off. Fail.

There are few things out there that skeeve me more than having a guy try to kiss me with ‘me’ all over his face, let alone with me dripping from his nose. What the hell is wrong with you?

Ok, sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so abrasive, but dear god those experiences made me lose sight of how much I like sex. I am so unbelievably glad to have found a man who is skilled in both his ability to perform such deeds, but also keep the business end of it out of his nostrils. The absence of vaginal snot in my life is truly a blessing, but I fear there may be women out there now who suffer the same fate.

I might perform oral on my guy in the middle of a long shagging session, but that’s my choice and I’m tasting myself off his gorgeous manhood. It’s a far better experience than just having yourself smeared all over your own face by a sloppy kisser. (and let’s be honest, in my experience the two guys with post oral runny nose were also severely sloppy kissers. Blech!)

Some tips for your guy to keep him from being ‘that dude’:

1) Part her lips with your fingers when you are down there (or ask her to) so you have better access to the clitoris as well as less inclination to get your nose submerged.

2) Most women enjoy indirect stimulation of the clitoris, which means approaching from the sides or above (or below). In all of those situations, your nose should be NO WHERE near her business.

3) When and if you choose to penetrate with your tongue (required!) aim your nose upward.

4) Keep a towel near the bed so when you are done administering unto your lady you can wipe your face (blow your nose if you really can’t figure this one out) before you go near her upper half.

Really, it isn’t rocket science. I’m happy to say I’ve never approached my mancakes’ lips with semen on my chin or in my hair. Though some might like that sort of thing, it’s a good idea to clarify first.

Table for Two?

Originally featured on The Virgo Chick

I realize that good guys do exist, the kind that hold you and not simply hug you. After the “teenie peenie” incident I refuse to push any experience aside. I do have the tendency to get wrapped up in one person too quickly, so this weekend fling needs to be hung out to dry as quickly as possible. Our short time together was coincidentally matched by his penis… and this is not an insult to smaller guys, it’s just not my preference. This, I decided to overlook, simply because he held me.

To give a little background on my love life, or lack there of, I am 23 going on 24 years of age and have been with 4 men. Two of which do not cuddle, one who has to be asked and the other, the most recent of the four, has still left an imprint of his leg on mine. Now, in my life, I have never fully understood the concept and/ or hype of this cuddling business. My experiences have been limited to small twin sized mattresses and back seats of cars, so holding each other was not part of the game plan. This did not lead to low self-esteem or self-loathing- how can you miss something that you have never encountered? Of course I was still curious.

I had engaged in conversation with said, teenie peenie on a dating website. He had messaged me because the site matched us, duh, and he found me to be “cute.” And so it began! Back and forth for about a week; the tête-à-tête was amusing and somewhat charming, which lead me to think we might arrange for a date. We did indeed meet on a Saturday, early dinner and a movie at his place, followed by a make out session and eventual removal of clothing. At an early 8:30pm he lead me to his room where the remainder of clothing we still occupied was eventually let go. Needless to say I was a bit disappointed in the nether regions but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

After all was said and done, we cuddled, just like I thought we would. Ha, he wanted to fall asleep… it was only 9 o’clock, the TV was still on and my current bed time is generally in the am! So I woke him up we watched TV, and then I gave him a reason to be tired.

We fell asleep together; well, he did most of the sleeping I was just so wrapped up in the fact that this guy was holding me. Of course we all have our insecurities but it didn’t matter- he held my hand, rubbed my back, not like a massage but it was gentle. And he held me. Thinking about it now, looking back to that weekend, I had only known this man for a little over a week and I had been more intimate with him than any of my other of my past relationships. My ex that I had been seeing on and off for 2 years never made me feel that warm and comfortable in bed.

My point is, that this will be a learning experience that I will not be able to relate to any another man. It is my learning experience to determine who I am. We may not have the same views, and his insecurities might have gotten the best of him, but because of all of this I’ve seen the potential of some men and what I have come to desire.

I’ve come to the conclusion- I like cuddling.